Michele Bachmann Makes A Retarded “Retardation” Comment.

Who makes overarching statements that have no factual basis?  This time it’s not Bill O’Reilly.  Michele Bachmann has had some bonehead moments (wishing Elvis a happy birthday on the anniversary of his death), and people have just dismissed them as gaffes or slight oversights.  But on Tuesday morning’s Today show, Bachmann made a statement that led me to believe that her ostensibly ditsy statements were caused by something more than her narcissistic ignorance.  I think that Michele Bachmann might be mentally retarded.  Who goes on national television, without any proof, and blasts a beneficial vaccine.  There is no scientific evidence that supports Bachmann’s claim that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation in developing girls.  Bachman must have taken the HPV vaccine when she was a developing young devochka.  She can’t be wrong all the time.  Check link out for Bachmann's full coments

We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids Book of Freedom

St. Louis Publisher, Really Big Coloring Books, Inc, is publishing a coloring book that depicts the tragic events of 9/11.  The book ends happily though as a highly trained Navy SEAL shoots a cowering Osama Bin Laden.  You might wonder whether Really Big Coloring Books, Inc will do a tasteful job of portraying other people’s grief for profit.  But not to worry, RBCB has extensive experience in the cruel, not appropriate for kids, kids coloring book genre.  Here is a list of some of their classic works from their impressive catalog:

- Why Are Black People on The Roof Mommy? : The Hurricane Katrina Saga.

- The Trouble With Genocide: The Whimsical World of The Hutu and Tutsi.

- Keelhauled: I don’t care what The Beatles say I don’t want to go back to the USSR.

- 250 Years Of Prosperity: A History of The American Plantation Owner.

Cover Of  We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids Book of Freedom

            For a complete list make it up yourself.

They Call Me Mr. Tubbs

As much as it pains me to say, people have the right to be fat.  I enjoy exercising and working-up a sweat.   If that’s not your thing I’m not going to chastise you and call you a fat ass because of your sedentary ways.  It takes all kinds.  But when I see a fat cop stuffing his amorphous face with empty calories, I tend to get a bit upset.  The fact that those select few who have sworn “to protect and to serve” can’t muster one sit-up is pretty disheartening.  I want John McClane protecting me not Chief Wiggum.

The Guilt of Receiving a Handout

When I was receiving unemployment insurance, I thought it was going to be the “Summer of George”.  I was going to have time to work on projects that I had set aside, because of time constraints, and I was also going to try and culture myself: maybe learn a foreign language visit some museums, fancy bullshit.  But as time progressed I found myself in a petrified state of transitory life (I became lazy).  I started on many of the projects but never got around to completing them, rationalizing to myself that “something was not quite right so there was no point in finishing.”  Something else occurred during this period of decomposition: there was a malaise that pervaded my being.  I reasoned that it was my total lack of direction that was the problem, and although it was a source of shame, it was not at the root cause of my anguish.  I soon realized it was my fortuitous circumstance that was so distressing.  I felt guilty that I was getting paid like a fat cat to do absolutely nothing (if the government asks I was looking for a job).  When I divined the source of my troubles I still did not make any adjustments, it was enough to know that I wasn’t clinically depressed or worse maturing.  Nope, the “Summer of George” continued until all resources were depleted.

Christian Family Radio Presents The Rapture

Mad Max Himself
photo by Alen Light

The Rapture has come and gone.  The chosen few have ascended to heaven and the rest of us are left to suffer through JC’s numinous and omniscient judgment.   There are certain people that have the audacity to claim that the Rapture did not occur reasoning that no one has made there way to heaven.  I say the reason you don’t see people make their triumphant journeys to the Kingdom, is because not many people got into heaven.  Last time I checked it was fucking hard to get into heaven.  It’s not like trying to get into Arizona State; heaven has very unrealistic standards for acceptance.  On that note, congratulations to the two beings that got into heaven: Mel Gibson and the one Christian priest that did not diddle any kids.  To those left behind, let the good times roll.

It's an Illusion

I was at a local bar last night when suddenly the collective male eye shifted its focus to the entrance of the unassuming establishment.  Two young femeninas walked in but only one was garnering all of the attention.  This lovely lady’s cream and black sheath dress, which was particularly flattering on her form, caused every man’s jaw to drop.  Still her companion was for the most part being ignored.  As time and tide went on, I got a better view of the woman wearing the sheath dress and I notice that she was not as attractive as my initial impression led me to believe.  In fact, I determine that her demurely dressed friend was far better looking than the woman with the sheath dress; she was astounding.  

  

How could any man, infused with a cocktail of alcohol and testosterone, have missed such a rare beauty?  It was that damn woman with the sheath dress playing visuals tricks on the room’s denizens.  She was like an anglerfish, bringing her prey closer and closer with her luminescent lure, impossible to ignore in a world of such utter blackness.  I would lay all the blame on the seductively dressed woman, but really she just knew how to play the game: men have low attention spans and she was just using visual cues to “catch her pray.”  Fortunately for me the stakes here were not life or death.

May is Random Subject Awareness/History Month

Who makes up these arbitrary "Awareness/History" months?  I know that breast cancer awareness is a laudable cause and that Black History Month is a reflection of American history and Culture, but who decides on the month in which they are held.  Breast Cancer awareness is in October.  Doesn't really scream Breasts.  Why not january?  January always seemed like a more feminine month, and I know thats sort of sexist but mostly women get breast cancer and therefore a bit more logical.  May is the awareness month of some random issues, therefore I have decided to make May Random Subject Awareness Month.  My issue has some good company: May is Asthma Awareness Month, Zombie Awareness Month, Motorcycle Safety Awareness Month, stroke Awareness Month, Perinatal Awareness Month, and Foster Care Month.  Here's to Awareness months that nobody cares a flying Penguin about.

Outsider Artist Unite!

Henry Joseph Darger Jr.
Author and illustrator of The Story of the Vivian Girls...

More people should undertake artistic endeavors.  If you play a musical instrument, compose a melody.  If you’re a raconteur, spin a yarn in prose.  If you can paint, sculpt, or draw, use those skills to transform the mundane into imaginative works of visual pleasure.  Don’t expect to gain any substantial mainstream recognition for your works.  But if you’re lucky, by the time sweet, sweet death has you in its clutches your oeuvre could be discovered by your landlord.  You would be in good company with Henry Darger.

Apotheosis of Dreck

Lieutenant Colonel T.E. Lawrence

Surprise, surprise, I have an axe to grind.  Exceptional individuals have been romanticized since before Homer took that strange odyssey.  Movies continued this tradition of elevating individuals to Olympian proportions.  Lawrence of Arabia exemplifies this romanticized view that is created by films.  David Lean placed T.E. Lawrence on a pedestal, while at the same time exemplifying some of the man's flaws.  Those halcyon days of healthy hero worship are over.  Instead of complex characters portrayed by talented actors, we have a celebration of highly paid actors, most of whom appear in subpar features an deliver mediocre performances.  We need to romanticize people, wether fictional or real, that we strive to be like because we admire their accomplishments and contributions to the world.  We idolize Angelina Jolie because she is rich, famous and beautiful, and not because she is an extremely talented actress, who also has many philanthropic causes.  Exceptionalism reigns on high,  yet the arts remain in the gutter.  Give me Jef Costello over Robert Downey Jr.

Good Publicity is Bad Publicity. Or is it The Other Way Around

There was no saving grace for Los Angeles after the Mother's Day massacre save for the fact that Andrew Bynum will  sell shitloads of his Celebrity Sweat Workout video.  After his sadistic foul on the diminutive JJ Barea on Sunday's game,  Bynum was ejected.  On his way back to the locker room, Andrew mustard up all of his class, and in the dignified fashion that is synonymous with professional athletes, removed his jersey, revealing the sinewy features of a God, or a certain Achebean tragic hero   And like Okonkwo, will Andrew become a pariah,  his reputation tarnished because of his unchecked rage.  Most likely not Okonkwo was a victim of a cultural change that occurred in his tribal society.  Andrew Bynum on the other hand is a product of these changing times.  Unsettling as it may be this is just a sign of things to come.